US Standard to Metrics conversion tip #1: Celsius andFahrenheit
Often it`s hard to remember the differences between Celsius and Fahrenheit. There are two important points to know.First there is the difference in the actual size of the degrees. 1 Celsius degree is equal to 1.8 Fahrenheit degrees.The second point is that Celsius and Fahrenheit have different starting points. Celsius is based on water, with 0В° Celsius being the freezing point of water, and 100В° Celsius being the boiling point of water. Now Fahrenheit on the other hand is based on fucking bullshit, with 0В° Fahrenheit being the point at which the King of England`s balls fell off from hypothermia, and 100В° being the point at which the King refused to wear clothing and everyone got a look at his scrotumless groinal region.
Why do we still use this system, even though England doesn`t anymore? Because Babe Ruth, mom, and apple pie, that`s why God dammit! Fuck England. They left this system behind and it`s ours now. Oh boy, and just you wait until they come asking to have it back. Then we`ll be all, eat shit England, and throw 92,616 lbs of poo at them. Yeah! God dammit we`re dumb.
So if you want to know what temperature it is outside in Celsius, first add together the number of testicles the King lost with the number of current MLB franchises there are, ignore your mother`s explanation, eat a slice of pie, but don`t use the number Pi here since it has nothing to do with this, then divide by 1.8 and you`ll have your answer.Oh, and if it`s 38В° Celsius or more, I`d avert your eyes from his Royal Highness.
US Standard to Metrics conversion tip #2: Centimeters and Inches
Your typical inch is equal to three grains of barley. Seriously. And one foot is most literally 11 1/42 inches. Seriously. Somewhere some monarch was all, fuck this noise, call it 12, rather than oh say, I dunno, 10. He just rounded. That`s how we got to 12 inches in a foot. Some jerk who was born into money rounded it, for everyone. The original 11 1/42 inches was representative of the distance adolescent cousins of the opposite sex were required to keep while dancing. That distance was determined originally as the distance equal to that of one teenage forward pointing erect penis plus one teenage female hand, thus keeping these parts from ever reaching one another. Though in hind sight, many agree that cousin to cousin hand-jobs would actually play a roll in preventing inbreeding, with the obvious result being the bodily fluids landing nowhere near the female reproductive organs. Once the foot was adjusted to 12 inches, so was the cousin dance gap. This rule in its entirety of course was disregarded by nobility.
A yard was the length of a man`s belt. Seriously. Three cousin dances equaled one man`s waistline, somehow. In fact, that`s how the patriarch of the family would from thereon determine if his brother`s son was getting a bit too close to his daughter; he`d stand next to the dancing teens, choose a point on his buckle, and rotate to cover the gap between them, seeing if it was at least one third of his waist. Now, this would take several attempts to get precisely right, and the continued back and forth turned into what we today call The Twist. The kids began doing The Twist as a way to mock authority figures, and this of course drove the adults mad, which has led to basically all of the animosity between parents and teenagers ever since.
One hand is about a dozen grains of barley, and is the unit for measuring the height of horses. Seriously. It`s also the width of a human hand. Seriously. Every year millions of dollars are won and lost in a sport wherein the competitors are measured by literally the width of someone`s hand. And you thought baseball purists lost their minds when analytics trampled their old world ways? Wait until the nerds get a hold of the horsies.
Therein lies the distance between inches and centimeters. The difference between an inch and a centimeter is equal to the sensibility of the American public and that of a nerd. Can`t tell who I`m mocking with that sentence? Hint: It is not the nerds. One inch is equal to 2.54 centimeters. Which is easy if you think about it. The fact that this is hard for you is kind of embarrassing, so for your sake I hope you`re reading this in private somewhere.
Say your friend Alan is 8`4 tall, then that would make him 254 centimeters tall. Every 100 centimeters is 1 meter (more on that later), so in England you would say Alan is 2.5 meters, rounding the last four centimeters off. Easy as pie.Now, say your friend Jenny is 4`2 tall? Well, that`s half of Alan, so that`s helpful. What`s half of 254? 126, that`s right. Which makes her 1.2 or 1 and a quarter meters tall, depending on your method of speech really; just whichever rolls of the tongue most to your liking at that point. If your friend Bobby is 6`3 tall, then that gets a little tricky. Now he`s about one and a half Jennys -Jennies if you`re a grammar nut. You could go so far as to divide one Jenny, then add that to the already existing Jenny and get your one and a half Jennies, which is 381 centimeters or 3.8 meters, but in most parts of England if you were to say your friend Bobby was three quarters Alan, they`d know what you meant. Metrics is really simple that way. If you`re confused, it`s because your stupid American brain won`t adjust. Trust me, it took me some time too, but now that I`m on the other side, I see how ignorant I once was and laugh at both my former self and the present you, hahahaha, idiots.
US Standard to Metrics conversion tip #3: Volume
For this one, I`m citing Wikipedia-great knower of all things casually and generally agreed upon by its user base. Did you know that the UK uses gallons and even miles still? They sometimes use feet. That`s absurd. So, some of the earlier stuff in that first section might trend toward saying we`re the only outdated users of things like that, but here`s the rub: I don`t look back. I`m a freewheeling maverick who doesn`t edit or do rewritse rewrotes rewrites, so suck it.
Great Wikipedia-Lord of term papers and settling arguments- has informed this blogger that the UK in fact has an entirely different interpretation of gallons, one that is 1/6 larger than that of the US. Their pint is 20 ounces to our measly 16. When a bloke orders a pint at a bar in London, they`re getting 25% more boozahol than a fella in Chicago. That my friends is bullturkey. Now, what Wikipedia neglects to tell is the origin of the terms themselves.
You see, pint originated as a term of endearment for a small child, usually a boy. Specifically it began with Hamish Peutan, a young Scottish lad the age of 7, who used to run scams on local pubs wherein he would pretend to drink his own urine on a bet. In actuality he would in place of urine use apple cider -stolen from his family`s mill, mind you- which he`d kept hidden in his pants next to his penis, inside of a goat-hide satchel. When he turned to pee, he`d loosen the thread keeping the satchel bound tight, and squeeze the cider into a jar. Then after drinking the urine he`d reap his reward. This was all until the day he was inevitability found out. After the men of the pub beat young Hamish to death, the amount of blood wrung from the forever crimson stained mop used to clean up after the ordeal was called a peutan, which has been morphed through translations over the years into the word pint.
One pint was equal to the amount of blood cleaned up from the brutal murder of a Scottish prankster boy. There you have it. A gallon on the other hand was just flat out made up by a lunatic homeless person. Nobody can recall his exact name, because they never cared in the first place, but a transient in Gaul used to roam the countryside singing a tune that went something like, If I ever see that gal, I`ll give her a lot of my semen. I`ll give her a lot of my semen. She`ll become an addict. Addicted to me. Addicted to semen. Addicted to me. A gal on semen. A gallon of me semen for my gal on semen. Nobody knew what gallon meant beyond what was most likely a misheard lyric mashing the words gal and on, but once the traveler died, on his person was found quite the impressive jug of seminal fluids he`d collected and kept over the years, presumably for his gal.
The protectors of Standard Measurements have long kept these stories down, as the horrid and disgusting truths about their history may have had a negative effect on the system`s longevity. However, yes both the gallon and the pint were brought about by male bodily fluids and death. After some time, the exact measurements were distorted and sporadic on both sides of the pond, until the US came up with its version and the UK its. Oddly enough, each`s pint is precisely 1/8 of its gallon. If there`s one thing these two nations can always agree on, it`s that a 7 year old boy`s blood-loss, less that kept in the fibers of the mop used to clean it, is equal to 1/8 the jizz a vagabond can collect and carry in a jug.
How does this help covert to liters? It doesn`t. A quart is a little bigger than a liter. A pint is a little bigger than a half liter. There. Stop being stupid.
Tip #4:Metric Units basic knowledge
Metric-unit prefixes come in a wide variety, however the most commonly taught in school are as follows: kilo-, hecto-, deka-, deci-, centi-, and milli-. These are measurements of ten, since that`s how metrics works. Why does metrics use measurements of ten? Because we have ten toes, ten fingers, ten digits (0 through 9), and do just about fucking everything in tens, dammit. Except time, weeks, months, that kinda shit. That all has to do with the Sun and the Moon and women`s uterinelinings and lycanthropy, or some shit. Who knows?
Remembering the prefixes in the Metric System is as easy as remembering this mnemonic:
Killing hecklers doesn`t determine (a) comedian`s milieu.
Kilo, hecto, deka, deci, centi, mili.See? Easy as pie.
Check back on this article for updates to come on the conversions between our archaic American systems of measurement and the incredible nerdly world of metrics, hurrah! Idiots.
Kenneth Vetalt is an occasional contributor to the Easy Dashers,
and keeps apple cider in his pocket on Tuesdays.